I think we tend to screw up the things we place the most importance in. Because it matters so much/we took everything for granted that once we realise that there's a chance of losing it, we lost our world and started to panic. We start to engage in harmful self-doubt as if everything we once believed in had been nothing but a lie. We do all the unhealthy things because all mind is lost.

If you/future me ever end up in this situation, remember to take a deep breath. It has always been inside you and all you need is a little trust.

Sometimes, I really believe that everything happens for a reason. For me, i get rather upset with the lousy grades (HAHAHA YES TO THOSE PEOPLE WHO ALWAYS OVERESTIMATE ME!!) not because it pulled my CAP down, but because I could have killed someone due to plain ignorance. And I'll start my own self-defeating talk about how perhaps i should stop chasing so hard over so many stuff because people might have become worse with me. Can my presence really benefit anyone? And the endless list goes on. But on a positive note, at least my mistake was caught before anything major happens.

According to some prof," you are not graded by how much you can write in exams, you are graded with how safe you are when you go into practice in the future. That's what we are concern about."

We need to learn how to have more trust in ourselves. And i am still learning.
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Parents always try to hide the ugly parts of reality from their children, showing only the best of the world. They give us everything they can afford without expecting returns. No matter how tired, they faked smiles in front of us. Because the world will never be safe for their lifetime-kids(no matter how old they are) and because reality is never a lalaland, only home can keep you safe. So, come home.

Yeap, here's the end to an incoherent post because too much is going through my head now that I need to dump part of it somewhere. Just some random recent thoughts.