Frankly speaking, I am extremely scared. Entering my last year in Uni in a few days' time and I am totally unprepared and not too sure of what to expect. #perksofreturningonlyonthelastdayofholiday.
There is a sense of insecurity knowing that the real world is coming soon and whatever you do is going to have direct impact on people. No more safety nets and every mistake can possibly take a life. Education is one thing and whatever we do, all that can happen is a bad grade for ourselves. The world continues living without you but everything will be so different in a year time. Because you can possibly overturn a person's world unknowingly, someone may stop breathing because of your negligence and so many unpredictable things can happen. Your effort no longer correlate with anything in the real world when all the factors come into play. Everything can possibly just go so out of hand.

Personally, i feel that I am extremely lucky in a way because life is kind enough to allow me to do what I wanted to do. But frankly speaking, it scares me. You know how things tend to go the wrong way if you care about it too much? How you tend to screw things up the more you get involved in it? What if I am not good enough? Been thinking about all these for quite some time and highly likely just overthinking most of the time. Like how you see someone just lying there, and there is just absolutely nothing you can do to make the person feel better. All you can do is to watch the person suffer. The sense of inadequacy, the sense of helplessness. I know it's not my fault and I just need to get stronger and stronger to help them. One of my main motivation to get better. Got reassured by many that it'll turn out fine, especially my kind preceptor who gave me all the encouragement and always putting her faith in me. Super thankful for that. But I am still not going to lie that something just feels so unsettling.

Sometimes, I really envy those who are contented with having a stable job and being able to use the pay to raise a simple family. They enter the course because they can, and they will follow the flow and get a stable job and live their life peacefully. As long as they are happy, the world is fine. No need to fight against or change anything because really, it's just a job that feeds them. It's really not a bad idea to be like this. Life is probably going to be easier. But somehow, I just can't convince myself enough to close both eyes and follow the flow. I just can't look at a suffering individual and walk away like nothing happened. I just can't allow myself to settle comfortably when I know that there is so much to do even though I have no responsibility of doing them. Somehow, I just can't.

Frankly speaking, 有时不勇敢比勇敢还要还需要更大的勇气。